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Silent Hell [09 Jan 2018|09:25pm]
Ugh. I am experiencing a silent hell right now with Justen. He has not been texting me much the past couple days. He text me yesterday to see what I was up to. Tonight he said that he is making yeast. I tried to research what the process involved and it does not make a lot of sense to me so I just gave up. I am just always afraid of being abandoned. And after what happened on Saturday.. it was super embarrassing and I would not blame him for dumping me. My intuition kept telling me... but did I listen? No. And now I look at his texting patterns and wonder. He texts me first the most, he text me later than usual yesterday and not at all today. But I text him and he texts me right away. He texts until about 7 or so and then, nothing. But last night, he text me and then asked me for a picture for his contact for me. That was a good sign. Today. Nothing.

I think I need to just stop. Take this day to day. He let me hang out at his house all day and all night Sunday. He set up a scavenger hunt like I did when I was a kid for Christmas. He sat on the spot where he had thought I peed which indicated that he did not really care. He helped me move on Sunday. He cuddled with me on the couch an in bed, gave me a back rub, laughed at all my jokes, made me lunch. He text me last night to see how I was doing and wanted a picture of me for his contacts. I don't really know why he did not text me today but maybe I am reading too much into it.

I can't decipher whether it is my intuition telling me that something is up or if its just paranoia over the incident on Saturday. I wish that faith would just let me come back from all that and continue. But I also have to ask myself what is going on here? With me. Is this a codependency thing? I think it is. I am not seeing things clearly and I am obsessing over texts. My intuition just told me that he's playing it cool. He has shown a great deal of interest in me. And that copper piece in his medicine cabinet. That was what he cut off that day when we were down in the basement. I remember putting it on my ring finger and saying "it fits." and now its in his medicine cabinet.

I don't know. I need to not let this get me down. I can't help but think that he's not telling me the truth though. Is he slowly starting to try and phase me out?

Its pretty sad how I just look at my phone every five seconds and if he doesn't text, I get sad. I mean, come on. I know that this is just an addiction thing. I'm freaking out because I pissed on his couch, am feeling embarrassed and ashamed by it, and feel rejected. My addiction is rejecting me in my mind. I needed him for comfort through hard times. He is not that attractive really, his house is kind of gross, he has a hairy back, doesn't brush his teeth, and his dick is not that big. Plus, he seems to drink a lot. I think. I just notice that every time we have drinks, he slurps his down.

What happened on Saturday was beyond my control. I have to live with being a binge drinker and that is beyond my control. Those things should not define me. If he had peed in my bed, I probably would not reject him. I need to gain self confidence. Alcohol does not make me who I am. I am a beautiful, smart, funny, successful girl who has been dealt some shitty cards in life but yet, I still managed to pull through and not go completely off the deep end. I have been through some really shitty relationships and yet, I keep trying. I keep pushing forward and nothing can get me down. I make the most of what I have. I am also a kind and caring girl. But I am afraid to get too close to people. He has always initiated the texts during the day, for the past four weeks.

Okay. Well. I need to get my ass to sleep now. I wanted to go to bed like two hours ago.

Heres what I need to do. My intuition tells me that it is not too late BUT I do need to push back and not be afraid to be alone.

Oh Jesus. He just text me and sent me a bunch of pictures of he and his friends brewing. He's into me. Really into me. And he's trying to impress me. He's trying to show that he has friends and has a good time. And he knows I am going to school and stuff so he doesn't bother me.

Let's just chillax about all of this. He's into me. Let's just leave it at that. I would know by now if he lost interest in me. And he has not. I am 31 years old, I have had experience.
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Im a shithead. [11 Nov 2008|06:51pm]
I hate myself right now. I dont know what my fucking problem is. I just sit around my house all day and do nothing. I have been avoiding everyone... and I dont even really know why. I hate who I've become. I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and I dont listen to anyone! Everyone keeps telling me.. tells me over and over again until they are blue in the face and it goes in one ear and out the other. I am slowly but surely losing all the people that I really care about.. I miss all of my friends. Why am I pushing all of these people that actually care about me out of my life? Where is the old Kristeen? I was an idiot but I am an even bigger idiot now. I need to make some changes.. I dont want to be fighting with anyone anymore. I dont want to be fighting with EVERYONE right now. I feel like the whole world has turned its back on me. I dont like this at all.

What have I done?
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[20 Jul 2006|01:24am]
here goes.. brandis mike is going to be a millionaire... he makes coffee tables and he is good at making tables becaue he is a pimp.. I like guys apparently that look like chics? and everyone at mikes coffee table thinks that I like girls that look like guys.. I make no sense right now... where is my bf? I think he fell in a toilet somewhere in the house or outside somewhere.. david thinks that I am seeing stuff... but Im not.. I wish I was sober I hate being drunk..I feel numb and useless.. I miss people... I wish they were here... id have some sort of balance.. not some off balance.. what the fuck? I cant remember my characters... like my periods, and commas, and exclamation marks mister mikey...
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so this is the new year.. [06 Jan 2006|04:27pm]
fuck this and fuck you.

I hope you're happy.. I know Im not.
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[20 Dec 2005|12:47pm]
Im not liking this right now.. this.. us... Im not liking you right now... go ahead and dont answer the phone for me anymore... see how far that gets you with me.. Im sick of your crap.. Im getting sick of you... Im sick of feeling this way... I just wont feel anymore.. .for you or anyone else... you have two weeks... and then Im done...
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[23 Nov 2005|05:16pm]
do a little dance make a little love get down tonight.....

get down tonight...

Im for sure moving back... I found sleeping rooms that are cheap... and then Ravyn and I will get an apartment together.. and then I will try paying off my loans... and then I will try to make "us" work.. and I will go to school and be a good girl, and I wont be depressed and stressed out and I will love somebody and they will love me back... sigh... I really miss everyone.. and I think he lied to me which isnt a good thing, and I think I might be sad about the lieing but we'll see if he was lieing or if something else happened.. I hate these kinds of complications.. I wish everything was easier.. I wish I wouldnt cry every time you said one thing wrong.. I wish I could just give up and move on and pretend you aren't worth it... pretend you aren't worth me.. but you are.. you are worth a lot to me, but please dont ruin that... I dont want you to.. I want there to be an "us" without the complications and competition.. I want the stress to be lost.. forgotten... I just wish I never left.. and I wish I was living here right now and not feeling so lost and stressed out and alone... ug.. .I think I am going to go now... and continue my mission... and I am going to enjoy my tomorrow, and hopefully see you before I leave...or I may just die.
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[23 Nov 2005|11:23am]
whats up y'all.. if you dont know.. Im in Helena right now... Im with my lovely ladies: Ravyn and Robyn... I am planning on staying for good, but I need to get an apartment within the next week... I think Im insane for even wanting to move back, but I am going to try really REALLY hard.. I am going to kidnap robyn and take her to Tonopah with me on Friday.. and then hopefully next Friday we'll come back in one piece with all my stuff and lovely new apartment to move into... ahhhh.. stress is a lovely thing.
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[01 Nov 2005|02:52pm]
so halloween.. rocked my cock... I was a doll... it was neat shit.. I have pictures..I will show everyone someday... I may be moving back soon... I cant wait any longer.. I miss MY boy, and I HATE the fact that girls are trying to hang all over him now that Im gone... but its alright.. as soon as I return.. the bitches will back their shit off MY boy, because he will be mine.. and they will just have to find some other boy to swoon over..

Ive been asked out three times since Ive been here... Ive rejected every single one of them...

I made a friend... hes really REALLY cute... but hes from Las Vegas... he came through here on the way to Reno... we had a magical time together.. we ate churros, and sang songs.. and we loved eachothers hair because we have the SAME hair.. same color and everything.. and he was tall and cute and skinnier than shit, and he was beeyutiful. I couldnt help but drool over him... sigh.. but I dunno where he wetn... he was supposed to come back and visit me yesterday, but he didnt come and I cried.. maybe he'll call me.. I hope so!
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[21 Oct 2005|11:59am]
SO.. this is where we are now... on a no call no return call level... thats lovely.. .I wasted three months on you.. I wasted money and all of my emotions on you, and this is what it gets me.. nowhere with you.. with us.. like with every other guy Ive fancied over the years... I wish everything would just work out for me with stuff like this... but.. it doesnt.. so .. here I go again.. moving on.

anyway.. my cell phone bill increased agani..its up to a whopping 800 dollars.. ahaha.. only I cna pull something off like that... I think I just might be the most expensive person in the us of a... Im pretty sure that even if I was a millionaire.. that would only last two days if I was lucky enough to last that long... I would spend my money on everything and everyone.. and end up being one million dollars in debt... haha..
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[11 Oct 2005|10:57am]
Im scared...
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[04 Oct 2005|02:54pm]
woot.. a second day off in a row.. how great is this? I think its all sorts of great... .I hope that one bitch doesnt show up to work tomorrow.. I hate that thing.. her name is Renee.. and she gets on my nerves.. ah shiot.. I just realized I left my debit card somewhere, and I need to order stuff off the internet.. damn it.. I hate myself... but not really... sigh.. damn.. I have to call court still.. I think they may have suspended my drivers license because I completely forgot to call them on the thirtieth of last month.. damn suckas.. I should prolly get going.. I am hungry.. and I need to watch tv..
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[03 Oct 2005|02:47pm]
my head hurts.. I sprayed too much vanilla stuff on the floor at my house while I was cleaning and it reeks in there now... ug... but anywho.. Ive been working since last saturday, and I decided that today was my day off... some creepy guy that used to work with me wont leave me alone.. but I guess thats partially my fault because I gave him my number, and Im nice to him all the time... I guess that should stop.. but I feel bad for him... hes like 26, and he got fired, and his wife is a bitch and is dating some other guy while shes still married to this guy.. .but hes really very annoying and he wont fucking leave me ALONE!!! I miss my joesuf.... I really do... I may or may not be coming up this weekend.. so I may or may not run into someone i care to see up there.. who knows though.. my dad may or may not decide to leave me home.. alone.. with creepy mcCreep.. I think this guy thinks hes going to date me or something.. .but really.. I dont find him attractive in the slightest.. AND hes WAY too old for me.. hes 26.. Im almost 19.. just doesnt work for me... thats just too old and too creepy.. and I really like this one guy.. ALOT... and I miss him ALOT... and I think its the same with him.. so I think that mr creep can just leave me alone.. Im going to tell him off tonight I think.. because I think that he wants to hang out with me..

Anyway.. I just realized that everyone up in Helena seems to be avoiding me or something.. I dunno if its intentional.. but I would like someone to show me some lovin' by sending me comments every once in awhile...and NOT MEAN comments either.. be NICE... and if you dont think you're going to post something nice.. then dont post at all.. because I am definetly not in the mood to deal with duh-rama... Ive been away from it for quite some time now.. and I enjoy it... so just keep the drama to yourself.. mmmmmkkkkk??? not that Im saying I could possibly be involved with anyones drama up there right now.. becuase Im down here and you all are up there, but you never know!! I could be somewhat tied up in a drama I am unaware of... hehe... oh my.. look at the time.. it is time for me to bask in the hot Nevada sun..
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guys are weird... [28 Sep 2005|01:08pm]
.. but anyway... I dont feel like working today, so Im not going to... we dont have a set schedule.. so I think Ill just take it easy today.. Ive been working for the past... oh lets see... four days... ten hours a night.. and it sucks...

I really miss Robyn right now... I tried calling you Robyn.. but noone answered.. this was liek four days ago when I was just recovering from my lovely week-long throat infection... ug... oh well... Ill try gettin ahold of you again sometime...

but anyway.. I think Im going to go now.. I really want to go on a drive, btu I cant go too far in my car because the engine is "flopping in the wind."

Too go to work or not.. now Im kind of thinking I should, but that would have to be in fourty five minutes, and I havent taken a shower in a couple of days and I look liek crap on a stick (whatever that means.) deeyam.
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NOW.. [20 Sep 2005|11:44am]
I just feel like a loser.. but I dont know what to do with my life... everyones in school, and I should be in school.. but Im not.. I hate school, but I know I have to go.. I just dont know where I want to go or what I want to do.. I want to go back to Montana so bad, but maybe I shouldnt just focus on that... I should just focus on going to school.. and making my life better.. not on other things that happened a while ago.. not on him.. not on anything else but me.

but anyway.. I am really sick.. Ive been really sick for a week and its making me miserable. Im going to the doctors later on today, and then off to another twelve hour shift at work... I cant wait to go to the doctors, and Im typing that with sarcasm... the last time I went there.. he just looked at me for two minutes and told me he couldnt test me for arthritis because it would be too expensive for me since I dont have insurance.. they didnt do SHIT for me and then charged me $96 for just looking at me. fucking sleazy bastards. ug. I dont even want to go, but I feel that I have to.. I wake up every morning with one swollen eye.. my throat has swollen lumps in it right under my jaw, my ears hurt, I cant swallow, I can hardly breath, and I have a fucking headache.. erg.. I hate being sick.. it sucks.
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[19 Sep 2005|11:39am]

reading everyones journal entries makes me feel like Im in Helena again.. and then I have to leave the library and once again discover that I am alone in this hot lame ass town.

There are really creepy people here.. like this one guy that worked with me a week ago.. he was arrested I guess for molesting some girl.. ahhh..

At least I have a couple of sane friends that make me feel a little bit better about my situation here... like josh.. and Linnea, and Jerilyn... but I still want to get out..

Im determined to leave.. Ive been working at least ten hours a night, and oddly enough as it sounds Ive been SAVING not SPENDING.. so I actually HAVE money in my account.. haha.. but anyway.. I must leave now and go work another ten to twelve hour shift.
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[15 Sep 2005|04:09pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

SO.. heres the tale of my LOVELY adventure from Helena last week.. .

filled up in gas in Helena.... lasted me all the way to a lovely little town called Pocatello, Idaho... tried to get money for gas out of my bank account from an atm machine there... wouldnt let me take any money out because I only had 15 dollars in my bank account, and the least that atm machine gave out was 20 dollars.. dug around for some cash.. only found ten dollars.. so I put ten dollars of gas into my car.. figured Id write a check at the next town I went to... next town I ran out of gas in was Twin Falls, Idaho.. didnt accept out of state checks, but they did accept my atm card at the pumps.. so I put fifteen dollars in.. THAT got me to Jackpot, Nevada where I assumed I could write a "bad" check (I got payed the next day so It wouldnt have mattered) but they didnt accept personal checks... by this point.. I started freaking out... I was like three hundred miles from home.. and I had NO money whatsoever... I sat in that dumb ass town for half an hour before I decided I had enough gas to make it to the next town: Wells, Nevada. I decided to go there and see if they accepted personal checks. NOWHERE in that town accepted personal checks. I was fucking STRANDED. It was like 1:00 in the morning.. and I was stranded in that creepy ass town by myself, and did I forget to mention that my phone was shut off, and dead.. AND the battery was dead on it.. AND I had no way of getting a hold of anyone to help me? Finally, at two in the morning.. a police officer helped me out.. my phone got charged, and LUCKILY.. my dads girlfriend was with him and she has a cell phone, and I happened to have her cell phone number in my phone.. the cop let me use his phone, and my dad just gave the asshole clerk at the flying jay gas station in wells his credit card number.. and I was on my way, once again, to the good old town of tonopah nevada... but thats not the end. .oh no fucking way.. to add to my stresses of leaving my friends, my home, getting stranded in a middle of nowhere town, my phone being shut off, and being like $2000 in debt.. .my car FUCKING BREAKS DOWN conveniently at my work right after I picked up my paycheck.

its still broken too.. apparently.. the engine mounts werent holding the engine in properly.. the engine was just kind of "flopping in the wind" as my dad told me.. and the starter died on it.. fortunately for me though... those repairs wont be that expensive because I have a mechanic for a dad, and the parts are fairly cheap.. so I guess Im not that unfortunate.. haha.. oh yeah.. and I was going to go to school out here.. but I missed the registration deadline due to that trip to montana.. I shouldnt have gone.. but seeing everyone (well almost everyone) was worth it... and I am working my ass off down here so that I can go back for a little while... until I decide what I want to do about my education.. I hate it out here.. I really do.. I thought it was alright at first, but now I HATE it.. its my fault though.. so Im going to have to live with it.. Ill just accept the fact that all the problems I am facing right now are MY FAULT, and I am going to have to solve all of them on my own, and NOT WHINE about it...

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YOUR FACE... [19 Aug 2005|11:38am]
IS.. JUST.. not.... NORMAL!!!

haha.. I am in a really good mood right now..

Earlier I was crying because for the hundred millionth time in my life.. I got told that I couldnt be in a relationship with someone.. sad.

Oh well.. I guess Ill just go eat a bunch of chicken now.. and stare at my beautiful mullet in the mirror... haha.

oh my.. it smells like a fiesta in here.. whatever that smells like... ouch.. its time to go.
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yiggedy yeah yeah.. [18 Aug 2005|02:50pm]
I have a job already.. I am going to be working in a deli.. with M-E-A-T.. bleh.. whatever happened to the relationship between meat and I.. I do not konw.., I just simply cannot find pleasure in chomping down on a dead something or other.. woooooo.. Im in a really weird mood.. I guess Im just excited because Ive only been jobless for a week and Im already re-employed... yay... now I must dye my hair to a "normal" color.. haha.. I wonder what "color" that will be.. damn.. Im going to miss having pink hair.. .fuck me... fuck you... fuck everything.. I hate boys.. I am mad at one boy right now.. but not really more like uhhh... exhausted? over one boy... I nunno... uh.. k.. .im bored now.
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[15 Aug 2005|05:26pm]
ahahahah... Im in Tonopah Nevada right now fuckers... its not that great of a town, but I am like two hundred miles from vegas, and Im two hundred miles from the sweet parts of Cali... sos I am a happy little fuck...
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Im crisp.. like lettuce... [13 Jul 2005|12:15pm]
I hate chicks named molly.. so if your name is molly.. I prolly hate you.. .

ahem.. anywho...

I've been getting into a lot of trouble lately... but I wont say what kind of trouble on here...

I miss my Robyn.. ALOT..

uhhh... Slopko still sucks..

Boys STILL suck.. and then they dont.. and then they do again..

uuhhh errrrr... I havent really been hanging out much lately.. and Im sorry to anyone I seem to be neglecting.. I just like going to work and then sleeping mostly...

Im burnt like toast.. or more specifically like Kristeen making toast...

I dyed my hair.. back to black.. dont even ask me why... it was seven o clock in the morning whne I decided on the black hair dye at wal mart... now.. I just want my old hair back... but I guess Im just going to have to wait.. good thing I havent been called kelly osbourne yet..... or heads would be flying...

Im still staying with emily, and thats all I have to say about that.

uhhhh.. nothing else new... people should call me... because that would just be great... and if not.. Ill just see y'all at warped tour.. Ill be wandering aimlessly about talking to myself about vaginas (remember Robyn?) haha.. k.. I am officially D O N E.
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